If someone I didn't know were to write a blog post entitled, "Thoughts on Matthew Williams," I might be inclined to think rude thoughts about the stranger whose pontificating at my expense could be completely misinformed. But, alas, when you were a Christian music superstar in the late 90s who announces she is gay to the Christian media, well... I imagine there will be many folks posting their thoughts to blogs. I just hope to bring an infusion of grace to this particular conversation.

Long time, no post! All with good reason. I've been friggin' busy. But here we go, into a whole new adventure. I recently launched The Second Guess. This is a collaborative discussion forum thing (yes, that's the best way I can describe it right now) with a goal of working toward reconciliation between the church and the gay community. I wrote about my desire to do this a lot last year.

Sitting on the couch in front of the latest episode of Dexter or 30 Rock. That's what I'd rather be doing than training for my first ever 10k. But that does little to accomplish my personal mission: to live out acts of hope and reconciliation between the church & gay communities. So instead I'm running. I've been running for almost a month now through beautiful Balboa Park. Down Pershing Ave. Through the Florida Canyon switchbacks. Across the Prado.

This is not easy for me - over the past couple of years, well, let's just say I've put on a few pounds. So not only am I attempting to regain the stunning physique of my youth, but I'm hoping to make a difference while doing so. Early this year I determined it was time for me to walk the walk I'd been talking. This meant really getting to know the gay community here in San Diego. I can't expect to be a voice for reconciliation if I don't truly understand where the broader communities in this culture war are coming from.

So this is another small step (or about 6 miles worth of steps, to be precise) for me in my effort to connect with people across the spectrum, show my dedication to the cause of reconciliation, and ultimately represent the unconditional love of God for all his children. That's why I'm running in the annual San Diego AIDS Walk/Run. If you dig it, please feel free to donate.

Love from sunny San Diego.

-MBW

Keep-Your-Cool Boot Camp, I'm calling it.

Two weeks ago I talked about how I'm seriously considering a new venture, one that will inevitably have me playing a bit of defense as I navigate the feedback, fears, and faultfinding that will come my way should I plunge head-long into... whatever this thing might become.

The action steps have been pretty simple so far: start drawing up a document outlining my personal mission, vision, and goals, begin meeting intentionally and strategically with people who may share an interest in my passion, and get to know the gay community in San Diego better than I do via volunteering at the LGBT Center, Pride, AIDS Walk, Dining Out for Life, etc...

All of which is just great. But my friend pointed out to me perhaps the one thing I should be most interested in at the moment, the thing that could be my biggest immediate hurdle, is my tendency to REACT.

Let's name it & claim it: "longsuffering" is not my bag of fruit. At least as it pertains to the general mass of humanity. When people don't navigate well (and that concept translates to many aspects of life: conversation, choices, driving...), my first reaction is to SAY SOMETHING. React. Spew forth my own wisdom - at least, as I perceive it.

I'm not naturally gifted with Jesus' ability to look out on a crowd of people and feel compassion. In all honestly, I'm probably more likely to say something along the lines of "Look at those crazy fools." Not so with an individual - you give me one person who is hurt, confused, broken, needy, ignorant, rebellious, angry... whatever, and I'll be fierce in my resolve to see him through. I can relate to the one. But to the many? Well... it's a challenge.

My friend knows this about me. Which is why he suggested I spend some serious time on my knees over the next few months asking God to prepare me to stand in the middle of a culture war where slings & arrows are being thrown from both sides. To temper my reactionary nature. To give me access to a deep well of patience & grace.

The opportunities to learn this lesson are LIMITLESS, I've found. The old adage seems to be true - if you ask God for patience, a big box of it isn't likely to fall into your lap. Rather, you'll be given moments that challenge, try, test you and give you an opportunity to learn to exhibit patience. One moment it's being stuck behind an inept driver. The next it's answering the phone to a rude comment about the quality of my company's website. Then it's being confronted with the reality of people who just aren't on the same page as you. That urge to yell "GET WITH THE PROGRAM!" is what I'm learning to surrender.

So I'm in Keep-Your-Cool Boot Camp. That's action step numero uno. The great thing is, I've experienced firsthand many times this year how keeping your cool can really change the direction of a conversation. It's a skill I truly want to develop. So, if you see me out of line, you're invited to remind me. I just ask for a little patience & grace and I try to learn a little... patience & grace.

-MBW

This year is turning out to have watershed written all over it. From the big stuff like my new job to the smallest conversations, I've found more personal purpose, passion, and direction than I ever have. It's been a ride.

And here is where it could be leading me. For some time now, I've considered starting a non-profit or foundation that would allow me to fully engage in my passion to see the mainline evangelical church embrace a new way of engaging the LGBT community.

Yeah - a little scary. But I'm bolstered by many things: my own faith community here in San Diego & their support, burgeoning relationships with other people interested in the same thing, learning from the trailblazer in this area, Andy Marin, and - perhaps most importantly - by what I believe to be my little mission in this world from God. From long before I ever even told someone for the first time about my own orientation, I sensed God was writing my story to be a source of help and hope to other people who have struggled with faith and sexuality. Today I find myself in a place to be able to competently have those conversations: rooted in a great community of Christ-followers, focused & purposed with a mission I'm passionate about, and learning more and more to place all of my hope and trust in one who holds my future anyway.

So here's where things are currently. Since this blog is essentially my "stomping grounds" when it comes to my own emergence from spiritual/sexual shame and confusion (I originally titled the blog "The Second Guess" to indicate I was re-considering Christianity itself), and since it's been a place for me to give voice to the journey I've been on, I think it's appropriate (poetic, ironic even) for me to possibly name this new venture "The Second Guess" as well. This time around, the term would obviously refer to something different; namely, re-thinking (second guessing) the way the church and the LGBT community have approached one another over the past couple of decades. My best friend and pastor often talks about a "third way" - an option that isn't necessarily a balance between two opposing views, but another route altogether that might look more like the way Jesus would have taken in the first place. I believe there is a third way in the current culture war between Christians and the gay community, and I hope to be a part of navigating it with others.

So there it is. This is really the first time I've "gone public" with this notion, and the reason for doing so is that I'd like to actually get some feedback, suggestions, or thoughts on approaching the whole concept. I have just a few concepts/phrases that I've been chewing on for a bit that I thought I'd throw out there and see what anyone reading this might have to say.

THE SECOND GUESS

• Building bridges between the church and the LGBT community (already the tagline for the Marin Foundation, but still an important concept for me)
• Acts of hope and reconciliation amid a crippling culture war
• Rethinking the church's approach to LGBTs
• Second guess your suppositions
• Opening the way of Jesus to his children in the LGBT community
• Opening the church's doors to the gay community
  
• Navigating toward a place for LGBTs in the kingdom of God